When you think of vanilla, the first thing you probably think of is ice cream. And that is exactly what the pun is supposedly based on, because vanilla ice cream is just the standard, delicious classic whose popularity is widespread. What is accepted without difficulty at the ice cream shop can lead to discrepancies in bed, “Vanilla lovers” like to be called boring or even prude.
Vanilla sex among gays: boring or completely normal?
Because “vanilla sex” is a term that refers to conventional or traditional sexual practices that do not involve BDSM or other alternative sexual practices. These are usually consensual sexual activities that are considered mainstream and not particularly kinky, kinky or adventurous. There is absolutely no reason for shame if you prefer it that way. In fact, the term vanilla comes from the BDSM scene, which is also very common among gays.
BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, as well as Sadism and Masochism. It refers to a variety of alternative sexual practices that involve power exchange, role play, pain and/or bondage. BDSM activities can range from mild to intense, and usually require a high level of communication and negotiation between partners to ensure safety and consent.
In the BDSM scene, the term vanilla is therefore often used pejoratively, but it shouldn’t be. Let’s have a look at what’s behind it and how cool it actually is to be a vanilla boy!
Is it okay to just be “Vanilla”?
In the BDSM realm, there is a declaration for almost everything somehow. Whoever loves to submit automatically becomes a serf (servant, servant:r, formerly slave) or a submissive pleasure pig. Those who dominate and humiliate their counterparts are either sadist, dominus or master. And those who prefer a more conventional approach in bed are often referred to as vanillas in the BDSM scene. There is also talk of “conventional sex”, although this term has arisen rather generally.
Most of you have heard of vanilla sex, but what do you think is behind it? Even in the scene, there is no consensus on when one is actually kinky and when one is vanilla. For some, a gay threesome is enough to put the actors in the fetish category. For others, even swingers sex in the club is still pretty vanilla, if the whip isn’t pulled out.
Vanillas don’t only have sex in the dark and with the blanket pulled up. Bondage, cosplay and role play also have their place in vanilla sex. The transition to kinky play is quite fluid. This is how terms like vanilla kinks (harmless and easy-to-learn BDSM preferences) or spicy vanilla came about.
Vanilla gay sex doesn’t have to be one-note
“If one person doesn’t take the dominant part, it’s vanilla sex”. Such statements are not uncommon in the BDSM scene. But the feeling of power during sex has little to do with the classification. Even with vanilla gays, the roles are not always equally distributed. On the contrary, roleplay takes place in the classic bed without it having anything to do with BDSM. The Vanilla lover is sometimes turned into a submissive puppy, or the otherwise so gentle lover takes on the role of the seductive teacher.
Devaluation by declaration – why vanilla is not permissible as an insult
A dismissive hand gesture, accompanied possibly by a comment. “Oh, they’re just vanillas!” Such comments are not only unwise, but simply inappropriate. Sex is an enormously broad spectrum and is always right when everyone involved is having fun. Whether you like to cuddle in bed and give yourselves to each other during sex, or whether you take out the whip and the fisting dildo, is entirely up to you. There are reasons why, even in the kinky scene, not everyone talks about vanilla sex. The term is often used as a pejorative, which does not go down well in an otherwise tolerant scene.
BDSM practitioners understandably have the desire to distinguish themselves from the “masses”. Not for nothing did an outcry go through the scene when the wishy-washy comedy “50 Shades of Grey” was supposed to depict the lives of BDSM couples.
In fact, viewers saw a spoiled and petulant multimillionaire acting out his character flaws in bed. Coupled with a clichéd naïve student who suspected a console behind the door of the playroom. None of this even remotely reflects the realm of BDSM.
Neither, however, can “conventional sex” describe the entire spectrum of what people outside the BDSM scene experience in bed. Everyone wants acceptance, and therefore it is not a fair move to use vanilla sex in a pejorative or discriminatory way.
BDSM and vanilla – why both have their raison d’être
Admittedly, many people can’t relate to the preferences of the BDSM world. Anyone who sees the toys, tools and implements can be frightened. For a long time, the stigma of “perversion” has been attached to BDSM performers, and even today there are whispers behind closed doors.
But is that fair? No. The only prerequisite for all kinds of sex is that all parties enjoy it with consensus. If the pleasure comes from scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush and then giving a blowjob, then that’s perfectly fine.
If a couple’s sexual clinic play is the ultimate satisfaction, or intensive hardcore sex, no one needs to say a word. But if one side demands acceptance, it must also be given to the other side. Preferring to and enjoying harmless vanilla sex is just as okay as using floggers and torture devices.
More tolerance suits us
Among some gays, there is a tendency to be quick to judge or make fun of others. But we should understand how important acceptance and tolerance towards other people is. It may be that vanilla lovers are not necessarily the perfect partner for the tough Dom. In everyday life, however, you can and must meet each other at eye level. Because contrary to the many prejudices, vanillas are not necessarily boring. They might just fuck differently.
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