There are various types of warning signals that we encounter in everyday life. Be it on product packaging, in traffic or even in class. Nowadays, however, we also come across such warning signs in our relationships. Especially in the BDSM sector, where they are referred to as “red flags”. These signals usually indicate certain behaviours that often indicate manipulative or selfish intentions, ignorance of certain principles or simply ignorance. In the BDSM community, these red flags often serve to warn submissive people, i.e. the subs, of potentially problematic behaviour on the part of the dom. There are various characters that you can encounter, such as “dummdoms”, “posers” or even offenders. You might think that the dominant side, as a person with power, is not a “danger” to themselves. But not all submissive people are lovely angels who are just waiting for the perfect dom.
Can the submissive pose a threat?
It is important to understand that submissives, i.e. bottoms, bunnies or even serfs, can sometimes be devious. As many doms or riggers in known circles repeatedly report. Messages pile up in their inboxes, ranging from aggressive submission requests and inflexible fantasies to pushes for dominance. And even kink-shaming and insults.
Disrespectful behaviour is common and often also relates to their current partners. Whether they are subs, models, bunnies or slaves, with abusive language and gossip. Others pretend to take on a certain role, show reluctance, constantly change their minds. And may not actually be ready to really get involved in the game. Below we take a closer look at some of the most common of these behaviours.
1. Red flags with subs: Begging and demanding
It often happens that sentences like “Tell me what to do, Daddy!” or “I’m yours, Master, use me!” cause great joy and goosebumps. However, demanding in this way is not always appropriate. Someone who kneels down in front of you without first having a detailed conversation about preferences and limits obviously has no idea what to expect. Although there are events that are specifically geared towards this, such demands are not relevant outside of this context.
Even in an existing relationship, constantly demanding without prior agreement is not good practice. If a sub is constantly demanding and begging, the dominant person feels pressurised and not taken seriously. On a day when the dominant part may not be in the mood for BDSM play, the constant demand for a certain type of play or intensity can be uncomfortable and overwhelming. The pleading, whining and begging may seem underwhelming on the surface. But is by no means an expression of true devotion.
In both situations, if you have not previously discussed what, when and whether you want to have an experience together, begging and demanding indicates a self-centred and unreflective person. Everyone should consider the needs of both themselves and the other person equally. Begging often indicates insecurity and desperation and therefore does not exactly speak in favour of a healthy relationship. All alarm bells should light up at the latest if the person in question even reacts in an offended manner after a rejection!
2. Finding excuses for not achieving goals
Although BDSM is not a sport, goals are still an appropriate term. Goals can be something you want to achieve together or for yourself. Or they can mark a state in which a new level of intensity is reached.
We all have different milestones that we need to reach in order to build confidence. Some subs need to spend some time in an established relationship, familiarise themselves with the equipment or develop certain habits before trying something new. For example, many have an inhibition threshold before wearing a collar for the first time, addressing someone with a title or feeling ready for new practices.
Especially at the beginning of a play relationship, the dominant partner must be guided by the needs and limits of the sub. The tactics and intensity are often determined by the submissive side, as they often play the “leading” role.
However, if the sub is constantly making new excuses for not recognising the dom’s needs, this can be stressful. Open communication is important here, even if it’s about unwillingness, nervousness or concerns. It is perfectly okay not to want something or to change your mind. But it is not acceptable to stall the dome with empty promises and constantly set up new hurdles that he must overcome to get his needs met. This can even be considered abusive behaviour.
3. Permanent refusal
This is not about simply expressing opposition or communicating boundaries. It is more about adopting an absolute attitude of refusal. Even though extensive discussions have taken place beforehand in which agreement and boundaries were set. Of course, every participant has the right to change their mind if the situation develops differently than expected. There are even some “brats” who use this as a deliberate tactic.
However, if everything is rejected without communicating a reason despite prior consent, this can make the dominant partner feel very insecure.Just to clarify once again: fears, nervousness, insecurity, concerns or simply not being in the right mood are normal and should be addressed openly. But a constant attitude of refusal towards everything can damage communication and trust in the long term. At such moments, it is often advisable to cancel a session or conversation or to use the safeword to make it clear that this behaviour is unacceptable.
4. Have no limits
You can read phrases like “No limits” or “No taboos” in many online profiles. This is probably intended to appear more attractive to doms and suggest openness, flexibility and unlimited possibilities. However, this is an obvious warning for subs. This is because “having no boundaries” often means that the person has not yet dealt intensively with their own needs. Sometimes this also indicates a person with a low self-protection mechanism. However, naivety can have disastrous consequences at this point in particular.What is considered a boundary is highly subjective and depends on individual experiences and perceptions. For some, it could be a swear word, a slap in the face or a suspension, while for others it means shaving off their hair, handing in their mobile phone and locking their sub in a prison for a week.
For newcomers to the BDSM scene in particular, the complex web of terms, fetishes, practices and toys harbours enough risk to quickly get lost. “Taboo” subs should therefore gather information in our ABC section or reflect on their own limits with the help of a list of kinks, for example from Bad Girl.
5. Ignoring information
This is a common phenomenon on online dating platforms. In the digital world, we are often initially a collection of titles that we have given ourselves and enter into multiple choice software. However, even the clearest profile texts are often overlooked and doms are reduced to their role.
As a result, there are countless messages and requests in Doms’ mailboxes that do not match the needs communicated in the profile. No matter how nice a message is meant, ignoring a clear statement does not speak in favour of the sender(s). Anyone who shows no attention or respect even before the first contact is unlikely to change their behaviour in real life. This is definitely a red flags with subs.
“Not looking” or “Looking exclusively for house slaves“
It is disrespectful not only to the person themselves, but also to their partner, to offer themselves as someone who is already in a committed relationship and is not looking for another partner, despite such clear search details. It becomes particularly problematic if you then also want to present yourself as more interesting or special and even take the step of criticising your partner. This doesn’t automatically turn you into a desirable sub, but into a disrespectful arsehole.
But this can also happen during a session: There are subs who assume that the dom will cater to a certain fantasy or style of play if they simply confront him or her about it while they’re playing. They bring their own equipment, express their fantasies in inappropriate situations, aggressively request or beg for them. They reveal themselves without agreement, wait tied up or with anal plugs, or secretly put on clothes they like. This puts you back in the unpleasant situation of having to give rejections and refusals.
6. Red flags with subs: Hand over everything
This problem occurs even in the best BDSM relationships. After finding the right top, Sub not only gives away the hat, but also the coat, jumper and trousers. However, giving yourself up completely without consultation from the outset is definitely a red flags with subs.
Being dominant means taking responsibility, making decisions and being in charge, but not taking over all decisions and completely controlling the sub’s life.
Of course, in established D/s relationships, there is a power structure in which everyday decisions are completely delegated to the dom. This is known as Total Power Exchange, or TPE for short. However, this is a scenario that is definitely too early in the familiarisation phase and is being used less and less nowadays.
Because such a 24/7 relationship must be built on mutuality: Each person has responsibility towards themselves and their partner, takes care of each other and is there for each other. This applies to everyone involved.However, if communication and opinion-forming are eliminated from the outset, problems can arise. For example, important decisions can be made differently than desired or neglected. As a dom, you can and should therefore also expect mutual performance and cooperation.If someone demands from the outset that the Dom takes full responsibility for financial, physical and emotional matters, this is definitely red flags with subs. Because a sub who leans back and says, “From now on, it’s your decision” is thoughtlessly putting their life in the hands of another person. However, most relationships require that fundamental decisions are made independently.
7. Half the truth
It often happens that a sub conceals injuries, inconveniences or limitations for fear of appearing complicated or because he or she thinks they are unimportant. However, whether physical or psychological problems, both old and current injuries and limitations are important to communicate.
Before each session, the current condition should be determined. This applies to hire cars as well as subs and doms. You can simply sit opposite each other, make physical contact and ask how the sub is feeling today. You should encourage him or her to talk about headaches, tension, stiffness or certain feelings. If you have the feeling that something is being kept from you, you should make it clear that surrender and letting go are not possible if the sub only thinks about aching teeth or injured muscles all the time. Communication about sensitivities also strengthens understanding of the partner’s body.
8. And the head must also play its part
The mental state is just as important as the physical state. Being trapped in your own thoughts harbours just as many dangers as a physical injury. A wrong step or a seemingly small movement can cause great pain. Mental illness or stress in itself are not red flags with subs. However, concealing or lying about it is.
There are words or gestures that can trigger bad memories, panic, fear or old traumas. These are called “triggers”. These should be clarified in advance. Some people lose the ability to speak or need certain things when they panic, such as a blanket, tea, water, rest or their mobile phone. These things should also be discussed in advance. As mental health conditions are often difficult to explain or describe fully, the dome needs to be sensitive and attentive. But it also doesn’t work without the cooperation of the sub.Depression, trauma stress, panic disorders, ADHD, ADD or autism are no longer taboo topics these days. However, these can be triggered by certain BDSM practices. You should therefore pay particular attention to subs with self-harming behaviour, borderline or burnout. Some subs with this predisposition use impact play or punishments as a form of self-harm or self-harm behaviour.
Instead of being an act of intimacy and power play, it becomes an act of violence against oneself, and the Dom becomes a tool. Although such cases are the exception rather than the rule, they must be mentioned as a possible option.
Conclusion
As always, be attentive and honest with each other. Don’t hide anything and, if in doubt, cancel a session. Start a new dialogue and try to clarify your concerns.
Sometimes we do these things unconsciously or out of ignorance. Submissive people often have the need to please others, to endure or to appear as attractive as possible. But these are neither permanent nor healthy solutions. Neither for themselves nor for the other person.
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