The man has to deliver maximum performance, must function at all times. And must not fail, because only a winner is a real man. Nobody needs a wimp. So much for the image of men that is still widespread today. If you don’t perform at your best, you’ll be criticised – not only at work, but also in bed. This expectation (including towards yourself) can turn into strong performance pressure. Which has the exact opposite effect. Things don’t work out properly in bed, your best piece doesn’t last long enough or at all, and you don’t orgasm. But don’t worry, if you know what the causes are, you can take countermeasures.
What can lead to orgasm problems
In addition to self-inflicted pressure to perform or your partner’s expectations being too high, there are other reasons why you may have performance pressure problems coming. These include, for example, excessive porn, drug or medication use. But deep-seated relationship problems or stress at work can also be causes of problems during sex. Or perhaps your sexual preferences have changed over time. And you need different forms of stimulation today than you did in the past? If you want to have sex again without performance pressure and simply enjoy lovemaking again, you need to find out where the causes lie. Then the fun of great sex can return.
The male image in porn promotes the pressure to perform
If you’ve ever watched gay porn, you’ve basically seen almost all of them because you usually see the same thing. There are countless films in which men have sex with men, in which the bottom looks lustfully into the camera. Which then pans to the huge penis of the top, who performs continuously for an hour and finally penetrates the bottom to orgasm. Because almost all gay porn is like this or very similar, we are told: if you can’t do it, you just can’t do it.
The only problem is that the understanding of roles and the image of men shown there is absolutely not identical to reality. This is clear to anyone who has had sex, but what you see becomes the ideal. As a result, we men try to jump into these roles because we believe that only then are we real bottoms or tops. As a man, you have to satisfy or be satisfied. We tend to forget that the penis is a sensitive little guy and doesn’t always go along with it. It likes to pull back first, especially when under stress.
Reduce stress & performance pressure
If your bed is only ever about achieving a “performance” in the form of an orgasm, this is not helpful for you and your partner’s sex performance, but rather counterproductive. The key here is to relax and surrender to the moment instead of worrying about your orgasm. This way, you and your partner will have more fun during sex. And you should try to keep this fun, understand your sex holistically. And not reduce it to orgasm as the ultimate important goal. Hot and intense sex is more than just cumming at the end. You can also experience good sex without an orgasm. If you manage to adopt this perspective, you take the focus off your orgasm, feel less pressure. And can approach lovemaking in a much more relaxed way. If you then have an orgasm, it can be all the more intense and hot.
Some people also turn to alcohol or drugs to relieve themselves of the sexual pressure to perform and relax. This may work, but only if you don’t consume too much. In appropriate doses, alcohol and intoxicants can actually help to relax and reduce anxiety. And if you’ve tried it before, you’ll know how good sex can be after a glass of beer or a joint. However, if you consume too much alcohol or other intoxicants, they tend to have a deadening effect, so that nothing stirs in your trousers.
Lack of communication between partners
As you have seen, it is often psychological causes and not infrequently partnership problems that lead to sexual dysfunction. That’s why an open dialogue with your partner is so important to bring back the fun in sex. However, the reality is often different. After all, talking to your sexual partner about your experiences, discussing your expectations or openly communicating your wishes? Unfortunately, this is too often a rarity in partnerships.
Meet someone, fuck, cum and leave without much talking: That may be nice sometimes, but it’s usually not fulfilling. Neither as top nor bottom do you get yourself with such sex adventures. But follow an understanding of sex that degrades you to a machine trimmed for performance. And ultimately builds up enormous pressure to function, regardless of whether it is fun or not. A lack of enjoyment in what you do, coupled with a failure to perform, leads to problems sooner or later. So do yourself a favour and opt for more communication and exchange when it comes to sex.
If you have problems with sex and can’t talk to your partner or close friends, it may be a good idea to consult an experienced therapist.
Therapists report that they often hear from men that they feel like having sex in intimate situations. But that their arousal is overshadowed by anxiety. Some therapists refer to this as “head lust”, because wanting to be aroused does not actually mean being aroused. With an expert, you can not only clarify the causes of existing problems, they can also show you ways to free yourself from the spiral of expectation, performance pressure and fear of failure.
Clearing up physical causes
A lot has been said about psychological causes of sexual dysfunction, but you should always check whether there are physical reasons why you can’t reach orgasm. Common physical causes include diabetes, neurological diseases (such as multiple sclerosis or Parkinson’s disease) and tumours (such as prostate cancer). Other causes can be hormonal disorders (such as testosterone deficiency), nerve damage due to surgery or injuries to the pelvis or spine. Inflammation of the reproductive organs can also be a possible cause. To rule out physical causes, you should speak to your GP, who can then schedule the appropriate tests. If one of these causes is diagnosed, the doctor will prescribe appropriate treatment that can resolve or at least alleviate the sexual dysfunction so that you can enjoy sex again.
Re-define yourself
It’s time for you to reinvent yourself and break out of the role of a functionary. Stop holding on to your position, serving a cause, your company, a football team or your partnership. Especially if you try to hold your ground when it comes to sex, you will not only ruin your intervertebral discs, but also suffocate your soul.
Say goodbye to the idea that everything you do is just a service, that you have to suppress your personality and reduce yourself to your functionality. Stop harming yourself physically and mentally. You are allowed to love your body as it is, and you don’t have to get 100 per cent out of it at all times. This is the right way to adopt a relaxed attitude during sex and enjoy it alone or with a partner, even without an orgasm.