If you want to be fisted, you have to learn how to relax deeply. There are »techniques« for this. We have compiled the best ones here. Fisting and psychological factors include a wide variety of beliefs about lubricants, techniques and positions, but everyone agrees on one thing: fisting for the first time is primarily a mental affair. Yes, you read that right.
Actually, you think, you have to learn to switch off your head to get fisted, you have to let go of everyday life, forget all fixed ideas (e.g. what your grandmother would think of you if she caught you with her fist in the ass). But the best way to turn off your head is with your head. You can compare this first time a bit with learning to ride a bike or to swim. You can watch others do it, you can listen to a lecture about it, you can learn all about it – but you only understand how it actually works when you do it yourself. If you let it.
It doesn’t work without the head!
»Fisting goes übern head. If you are afraid of the pain, if you doubt whether it will work, it won’t work for you.« (Leonhard, 48)
We are not taught to relax the sphincter. There is no subject at school that deals with it, and our parents usually don’t have the faintest idea about it either. It’s like when your yoga teacher asks you to do a bridge for the first time…. You simply don’t know which muscle groups you have to tense in order to stand upright on all fours. Often you line up like a complete idiot and try and try until all of a sudden it works! The second time it was easier. It’s no different with getting fisted.
Fisting psychological factors: a matter of attitude
»You can’t fist a little bit. It is like wanting to get pregnant a little bit«, says Hans, who has been fisting for many years. »You have to stand by this preference like you stand by being gay. Then it’s easier to open your rosette« There’s certainly something to that. Those who don’t live out their desires with self-confidence and self-understanding, but who protect themselves against them, have to fight against the inner barriers in addition to the purely mechanical barriers of the body. (Some people shoot them down with the help of drugs, which at best temporarily suppresses the problems). It will be just as difficult for those who simply follow a trend, according to the motto: »The profiles of sexy men say that they want to fist, then I’ll just join in to get to the guys.«
»As soon as you trust yourself, as soon you know how to live.« (Mephistopheles in Faust I, verse 2062)
It also depends on the partner
»I can’t establish that kind of intense relationship with my dildo.« (Fritz, 27)
Letting yourself be fisted requires trust. You can compare it to riding on someone’s motorbike. If you are afraid, the ride becomes a hell ride. You have to have so much trust in the biker that you lay into every bend with him, no matter how steep he takes it. Otherwise it’s not only unpleasant, it can even be dangerous.
Giving up control
Many men are afraid to let others take control. In fisting psychological factors are the ability to trust and allow intimacy, proportional to the physical and psychological pleasures. Like riding on the pillion of a motorbike, fisting works best through communication without words. When riding a motorbike, verbal communication would be difficult anyway because of the riding noises and the helmets; when fisting, it is difficult to use words because you enter emotional areas where there are no words, only sounds. And where words are missing, you have to get involved with each other. That doesn’t work with everyone. You have to be able to trust that the other person won’t abuse your space, that he or she will engage with you instead of following a preconceived programme.
Advice from a psychologist
Whoever cannot relax and does not suffer from it in everyday life, but just does not get his or her sphincter muscle stretched any further, by no means needs to seek the professional help of a psychologist or psychotherapist. Not being able to open your hand is perfectly okay!
The environment decides
There are people who can have sex anywhere, they enjoy it when others watch, they even get a special kick out of it. As a beginner, you should not take this as a model. It’s perfectly fine to have your first experiences in the privacy of your own home. With the curtains closed. In the half-light. New worlds need to be explored slowly and carefully. You can still be in the spotlight and entertain an audience later.
»In the beginning was the deed!« (Faust in verse 1237)
Progressive muscle relaxation
There are fisting psychological factors and a number of techniques for fisting that can help you to relax. In progressive muscle relaxation according to Edmund Jacobson (also called progressive muscle relaxation or PMR), certain muscle groups are tensed firmly one after the other and then, after a while, deeply relaxed in order to achieve a state of deep relaxation in the whole body. The person’s concentration is focused on the change between tension and relaxation and on the sensations that accompany these different states. The aim of the process is to reduce muscle tension below normal levels due to improved body awareness. Over time, you learn to relax your muscles whenever you want to.
Fisting and psychological factors: self-hypnosis
Self-hypnosis is turning your attention inwards, reaching a state between wakefulness and sleep. In deep relaxation, blockages are bypassed, and physical experiences can be redefined, like pain.
- Sit relaxed in a comfortable place (lying down increases the risk of falling asleep).
- Direct your attention inwards.
- Pay attention to your breath: in, out, in, out.
- Now walk slowly through your whole body in your mind. Starting from the movement of your chest, feel your way up into your head via your neck, lower jaw, face, forehead and then move down in a large circle to the tips of your toes. From there over the ankles, calves, knees and thighs into the centre of your body.
- Millimetre by millimetre, feel every corner of your pelvis. Cock, balls, buttocks, rosette.
- Now go into the rosette. How does it feel? In what state of tension is it?
- Now imagine how it slowly opens. It simply opens like the blossom of a flower or the gate of a barn (choose an image that is appealing to you).
- Now walk outside through this opened rosette.
- Open it a little more.
- Look at the hand that is waiting outside the rosette to be let in. Can you trust it? If not, what do you need?
- Now feel the hand on your rosette, how it touches you, how it slowly and carefully passes through the sphincter.
- Enjoy this hand. Immerse yourself in the pleasure it gives you and become absorbed in it.
- Enjoy this for a while. Then let the hand withdraw after about five minutes, close your sphincter again, feel, breathe deeply and slowly open your eyes.
- Always repeat this exercise before the stretching exercises and imagine the dildo you are training with instead of the hand. It will make the training easier.
Lust can be learned
Not all homos can derive pleasure from back play. Everyone decides for themselves what gives them pleasure. What one person finds pleasurable, another finds painful. Butt play is not per se pleasurable or painful. The negative or positive attitude that someone develops towards it also seems to be a learning experience.
Autogenic training
The Berlin psychiatrist Johannes Heinrich Schultz developed this method from hypnosis in the early 1930s. It is in essence a kind of self-programming and works like this:
- Sit relaxed and upright on a chair.
- Take a moment to focus all your attention on yourself and your body.
- Then feel into your sphincter and say to yourself, for example: “My sphincter is very soft and relaxed. I can open it wide at any time.”
- Repeat this sentence slowly with long pauses and feel how warm and soft your sphincter muscle becomes.
- Repeat it at least seven times.
- Then clench your fists, tense your arms, tense your pelvic muscles, pull your toes up, and with the relaxation of your body, open your eyes.
The exercise takes about 15 minutes. Repeat it every day.
Relaxation, how does it work?
Progressive muscle relaxation, self-hypnosis and autogenic training require the ability to relax. Some people find this easy. They simply focus their attention on the sphincter and forget about everything else.
Most people have trouble clearing their minds of thoughts about work, the garbage that needs to be taken out, and the story they want to tell their best friends later about their fisting experience. If you notice that it is not so easy for you to bring your attention fully into the here and now, you can quickly free yourself from all the ballast with the following method:
- Feel deeply into yourself and follow your breath. Then direct your attention along the surface of your body and notice where you feel pressure (when lying on your back, e.g. your back, your arms, your head). Feel if you can change your position to relax even more. If yes, do it. If not, go to point 2.
- Now turn your attention to your feelings. Are you excited? Anxious? In love? If yes, where do you feel the respective feeling? In your stomach, in your head, between your legs? Assign a colour to the feelings, and when you have discovered all of them, go to point 3.
- Now observe your thoughts. Where are they? Are they still holding on to any content from the daily office routine? Are you still thinking about the next school assignment? Or which documents you have to fill out for the application for a telephone connection? If it helps you to let go of the thoughts when you write something down now, then do it. Otherwise, leave them as they are and tell yourself that you will deal with them again right after fisting.
Fisting and psychological factors: it starts in the mind
- Fisting is – at least in the beginning – mainly a mental thing.
- How far you can open yourself to a hand is a question of practice.
- You can also learn how much pleasure you feel.
- Trust and the willingness to be intimate are the best players.
- But it also depends on the right partner.
- If the environment is right, it’s easier for you to open up.
- Drugs are not the best friends.
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