Kink-shaming refers to the devaluation of a person based on their sexual preferences. This involves belittling those who feel sexually attracted to certain practices, fetishes or role-playing games. Kink-shaming occurs when the way in which someone lives out their sexuality is used as a reason to make the person in question look bad, incompetent or irrational.
Kink-shaming manifests itself by mocking certain preferences by labelling them as “sick” or embarrassing someone because of their sexual preferences. Another form of kink-shaming is the unintentional outing of a person by another person. Similar concepts exist in slut-shaming, in which women in particular are devalued because they allegedly have too many sexual partners, and in homophobia, in which homosexual people are condemned. Outside the sexual context, there are also terms such as “body or fat shaming”, which describe discrimination against a person based on their appearance.
Why is this important?
Disparaging behaviour towards sexual orientation has a negative impact on the mental health of those affected. Kink-shaming creates norms and ideas about what is accepted, normal or popular and sets these as a benchmark. This can lead to not only men with kinky tendencies, but also non-kinky men having inhibitions about expressing their desires and pretending. Especially guys who are in a sensitive phase at the beginning of their BDSM journey can easily get the feeling through kink-shaming that their preferences and actions are not okay, pathological or embarrassing.
For men with non-kinky sexuality, kink-shaming can reinforce or create new prejudices, which in the worst case can lead to bullying, marginalisation or even existential discrimination. For example, if a guy loses his job because of his sexual preferences.
Who is kink-shaming?
Kink-shaming can be practised by different people in different situations. There are no specific groups, but individual people who are involved. For example, it could be colleagues in the break room laughing at people with masochistic tendencies, a stand-up comedian making jokes at the expense of sexual minorities, or a pseudo-documentary about BDSM that is only interested in the role of the dominatrix and neglects the person behind it.
Doctors and psychotherapists are also often criticised for showing derogatory reactions to certain preferences, fantasies or practices. There are also reports of discrimination on the part of public institutions, such as the withdrawal of custody of children.
In addition, cases have repeatedly come to light in the past in which people in the public eye have come under pressure as soon as their BDSM inclination became known. These incidents make it clear that kink-shaming is present in various areas of society and highlight the need to campaign for acceptance and respect.
Kink-shaming – not a rare phenomenon within the BDSM community
Kinks such as ageplay, especially DDLG, or rapeplay are particularly controversial. Lifestyles such as TPE (total power exchange) or fetishes such as a preference for excrement are also met with fierce disapproval.
The problem is that kink-shaming increases fears of rejection and makes those affected even less likely to talk about their inclinations. Especially in a community where kinky people hope to find understanding and support, prejudices become entrenched.
Of course, it’s okay if you personally don’t like certain kinks or fantasies and perhaps even find them silly or alienating. But devaluing someone for this is going too far. Don’t forget that you yourself could be in exactly the same place as the person you’re talking to.
Some of these preferences are rare and therefore more difficult to understand. Others may serve as a substitute for forbidden or non-consensual practices. Some kinks require making it clear to the outside world that they are consensual. And still others may be at or beyond the limits of what is legal, healthy or safe for health.
It is therefore important not to rush to judgement about a kink you don’t know about. Instead, we should encourage people to talk about it openly and listen to them with an open mind. Firstly, try to get a full individual picture before deciding whether a preference or imagination is beyond certain boundaries. Criticising problematic kinks is not kink-shaming, but a sign of critical thinking.
What can I do about kink-shaming?
When we recognise kink-shaming behaviour in our society, it is particularly important to intervene and educate. In contrast to homophobia, fat-shaming and slut-shaming, kink-shaming is hardly known to many people outside the sex-positive community. As a result, they are not even aware of the impact their behaviour can have. It is not enough to simply say that we are open – we also have to actively live this openness. This also applies to members of the queer community. Shaming in any form is ultimately a mechanism of oppression. Inform yourselves about kink-shaming as well as sexism, racism, homophobia or transphobia. Stand up, say “stop”, speak out and support those affected. Stand together and show solidarity.
An important companion: YKINMKBYKIO
The principle “YKINMKBYKIO” stands for acceptance within the BDSM community, in which every preference is respected, even if it is not personally shared. This principle promotes understanding, tolerance and support within the community to ensure healthy coexistence. This counteracts kink-shaming and prejudice to create an open and inclusive environment. It is important to understand that YKINMKBYKIO does not mean that all behaviour is acceptable or that you have to share all preferences. Every person has the right to set their own limits and boundaries and to respect them.
YKINMKBYKIO stands for:
Y-our
K-ink
I-s
N-ot
M-y
K– ink
B-ut
Y-our
K-ink
I-s
O-kay
What you should consider with YKINMKBYKIO:
YKINMBYKIO is not a justification for any behaviour within the BDSM community or during a BDSM session. On the one hand, this principle does not mean that one must generally support or tolerate wrong, hurtful or negative behaviour. Nor does it mean that fetishes or fantasies that endanger others or involve them against their will should not ring alarm bells. And above all, the principle does not mean that you have to try out or accept all preferences for yourself with this attitude.
After all, giving every individual the space they need for their own sexuality does not mean automatically claiming this space for themselves. Every BDSMer and kinkster sets his or her own boundaries and limits. Just because you accept another person’s boundaries and don’t judge them doesn’t mean you have to push your own boundaries. And you don’t have to accept other people’s boundaries if they are too much for your own sensibilities.
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