Red flags are present in various areas of life. Not only in chemistry lessons or driving school. But also in the BDSM scene. They refer to behaviour that suggests manipulative or selfish intentions, ignorance or lack of knowledge. It is important to pay attention to such red flags and recognise them, as they can ensure your safety.
Red flags in BDSM can also occur regardless of your role. However, there are also specific red flags that are particularly common in submissive or dominant personalities. This article is specifically about “dangerous dominants”. The following red flags are warning signs, especially in the early stages of a relationship or when getting to know someone. However, they can also occur at a later stage. It is important to note that not all of these behaviours are a reason to end a relationship or cut ties. There are relationships in which some of these behaviours are accepted or established. Nevertheless, they should give cause for self-reflection.
1. The Dom ignores and rejects the safeword
If a dom claims not to need a safeword and doesn’t grant you one, this is a clear warning sign. Your safeword is an important part of your security. It allows you to stop, slow down or change an action. Someone who doesn’t give you these options and tries to take away your control over your own boundaries doesn’t respect you enough.
2. Rejection of the discussion about framework conditions
Another red flag is when a dom is unwilling to discuss framework conditions, soft and hard limits. If a dom doesn’t give you limits, claims not to need them or even rejects the concept of limits, you should be alarmed. Such doms may not have enough focus on you as a person. Make sure your boundaries are clearly defined. And if your top doesn’t even want to hear them, you shouldn’t get involved.
3. No before and aftercare? Red flags alert!
It is very important to check your current physical and mental state before every session in order to realise what is important at the moment. This shows that your partner is interested in you and allows your state to flow into the session. A dom who doesn’t respect your worries and feelings and makes you feel like you should be shamed for them is ignorant and a clear warning signal. If the dom even responds with phrases like “Don’t be like that” when you describe your emotional or physical state, you should break it off immediately.
Aftercare after a session is essential and not an option. That’s why you should definitely discuss how the time after playing will be organised before the first session. Doms who don’t practise aftercare, don’t want to talk about the experience or even want to get rid of you quickly are red flags. They are obviously too focused on the game and not enough on you. Hands off!
4. No effort to build trust
Confidence is crucial for the intense and boundary-crossing experiences you will have. Therefore, it is a warning sign if you are not actively given the feeling that you can trust the top. If you don’t feel safe with the dom, go with your gut feeling. Honesty is essential to building trust, especially when it comes to your own condition. No matter what your BDSM relationship looks like, the Dom also needs to communicate their needs. And provide clarity about their condition, desires and circumstances.
How trust is built is very personal, but honesty, communication, compromise and authenticity are essential in most cases. In particular, ghosting, ignoring, breaking off contact or even just threatening to do so make it particularly difficult to build trust. You quickly feel abandoned and helpless. Using the withdrawal of contact as a punishment creates pressure and fear of loss. Such methods are a warning sign, especially at the beginning of a relationship. As they require a lot of trust and security.
5. Lack of recognition of the BDSM relationship
If you have a partnership in the form of a BDSM relationship, it is a warning sign if your Dom is not willing to define the exact framework with you. It’s also unacceptable to ignore agreements just because he doesn’t see your relationship as full-fledged compared to a “normal” romantic relationship. This can start with basic things. Such as the lack of specific statements about whether your relationship is exclusive, open, polyamorous or otherwise defined. This can even lead to infidelity because it is not clearly communicated which rules and conditions apply.
Because even without a relationship as a partner, you have the right to psychological safety by defining and adhering to the framework conditions of your relationship.Unfortunately, there are always doms who don’t see or don’t want to see subs as suitable life partners or potential parents. A vague and non-committal play relationship is often used as a means of suppressing hopes of a deeper connection from the outset. Not every playful relationship has to lead to a partnership. But excluding someone from a close relationship because of their sexual preferences is highly discriminatory. And therefore a warning sign in itself.
6. Warning sign: Lack of respect
Disrespect can be shown through seemingly harmless things such as impunctuality and lack of attention. If someone does not turn up at the agreed time or at times that were not agreed, this is a clear warning sign. Some Doms do not want to commit. Instead, they expect Sub to be available at all times. For some, this idea may create a certain amount of tension. However, if this has not been agreed upon, it does not show respect for your schedule and daily life. Another sign of disrespect is if your dom doesn’t thank you, apologise or acknowledge and appreciate your efforts. A lack of courtesy and social behaviour has nothing to do with dominance. Recognition and appreciation are fundamental signs of humanity and therefore of great importance for any kind of social connection.
7. Dominant behaviour and hiding behind the role
While dominance can be a part of your personality that you don’t discard, there is a difference between a dominant character trait and constantly staying in the Dom role. It becomes a red flag when tops play their role in disputes and hide behind their position of power. In the worst case, these conflicts are even taken into a session. Under the assumption that “a Dom is infallible”, there is a danger that a bad Dom outside of your game situations will always believe that they are superior and always right.
It becomes a clear red flag if the Dom doesn’t respect your wishes about when and where a power change occurs. He or she will carry it out arbitrarily and capriciously. Regardless of whether someone touches you, talks to you, humiliates you or even physically assaults you: you decide in which places and in which situations you should be submissive. If this is not respected, it crosses your boundaries and all alarm bells should ring.
8. Negative social behaviour and a bad reputation – a red flag?
While everyday dominance is nothing reprehensible, a person who constantly displays dominant behaviour can quickly become unpleasant. This is reflected in the fact that such people automatically try to take control in group situations. They try to dominate everything and everyone, especially people who appear to be subordinate due to the situation. A concrete sign is condescending behaviour towards people in the service sector. How a person treats and talks about service providers often shows how much respect they have for social positions. In addition, it does not speak for emotional stability if someone shouts constantly, rejects other opinions across the board, displays insulting or abusive behaviour or even violence.
Of course, it is not an automatic red flag if your Dom is not the perfect gentleman in every situation. Doms are not infallible. Anyone can misbehave, react incorrectly or get loud. However, Doms who suffer from strong, random mood swings and react to human mistakes with outbursts of anger can become red flags. This is especially true if this behaviour also manifests itself in your BDSM relationship. In the worst case even in play situations. Because in an emotional relationship in which tasks and following orders play an important role, this kind of behaviour is absolutely demoralising.
And although past mistakes are not necessarily indicative of future behaviour, a bad reputation in the scene and many dramatically ended relationships and friendships can be a cause for concern. A negative opinion of some people can form quickly. But alarm bells should ring at the latest when several people report the same negative experiences. Or questionable behaviour from your dom. If your dom is even banned from the premises or is on a “blacklist”, you can be sure that this is a red flag.
9. Pressure and coercion
Another sign that is often reported is when a dom puts pressure on the submissive partner. Demands are constantly made that are outside the comfort zone. This suggests that this goal is close and achievable. Even for actions that only slightly exceed the usual level, the suggestion is made: “We’ll do that one day”. Pressure can also come from a corset of rules, instructions and prohibitions that severely restrict your actions. Impatience can also be a warning.
In the past, it was often said: “Sub must be broken”. This meant that true submission could only be achieved if the person’s ego was taken away and their will was overridden. Holding on to this antiquated and toxic statement is a clear red flag. While it is a natural process to give someone a certain new shape in a relationship, “breaking” is an act of violence. It is unacceptable. Instead, goals and expectations should be set together. Because today it is very clear that true devotion can only be achieved through voluntary and conscious submission in a consensual relationship. Responding to clear boundaries with pressure or coercion is definitely a red flag. As are punishments for exercising your own will or adhering to your boundaries.
10. Not only in BDSM: stalking, jealousy, no-contact orders
In this day and age, especially with social media, it is surprisingly easy to constantly know where someone is and what they are doing. However, when this goes from casual observation to outright obsession, it is worrying. A persistent obsession with control and morbid jealousy are red flags in any relationship, whether BDSM or not. Yes, control can be part of the power play within a BDSM relationship. But monitoring and extending that control to your privacy is not part of the power play in most cases. The mailboxes and posts of submissive persons in corresponding portals are often flooded with messages and comments. Doms who demand to read and control chats, react eagerly to comments and messages and expect you to be accountable see you more as a possession than as an individual person. If this is not explicitly part of your power structure, it is a red flag.
It becomes even more obvious when a dom prohibits you from having contact with other people, especially family, friends and acquaintances. Those who are not active in the BDSM scene are often particularly affected. A dangerous dom in particular may fear critical attitudes towards your BDSM relationship. However, if your Dom is the only contact, the only opinion you have and the only point of contact in your everyday life, this can quickly lead in an unhealthy direction. The desire to abandon your entire social network is a clear red flag.
Special case: Jealousy and control in poly relationships
In polyamorous BDSM relationships, a particularly sensitive approach to insecurities is required. Although it is normal for jealousy to arise in such constellations, it must not determine every action and interaction. If you are bitterly asked about the other partner every time you spend time with another person, or more and more rules are imposed regarding meetings with others, this behaviour exceeds healthy jealousy.
Even if your Dom refuses to touch you or deliberately makes you feel “unclean” or “used” because you’ve had contact with someone else, this is a red flag within a polyamorous BDSM relationship.
How to deal with the BDSM scene: A warning
The BDSM scene is a fascinating universe that includes regulars’ tables, parties, online forums, bondage meetings and other groups. A lively exchange of ideas and experiences takes place here and similarities and differences are discussed. However, there are some doms who are constantly making disparaging remarks about the scene. Although this alone is not necessarily a red flag, it should be scrutinised more closely.
It becomes worrying if your dom wants to prevent you from being inspired by the scene, absorbing new knowledge, developing yourself further and talking to others about your experiences. This is because most members of the scene are aware of toxic behaviour and stressful relationships and could therefore warn you. Fear of finding your own place in the scene can also be a motivating factor. This fear that his or her influence will be diminished indicates a need to control rather than genuine concern for you.
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